Using All CAPS:
- This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
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One of the students at the School for the Exceptionally gifted was tipping on his chair, so the teacher said:
"If you fall over and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
A Few More Clean Jokes:
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"
A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.
There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the male castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.
"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."
"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."
The man jumped out the plane and pulled on the main chute. Nothing happened. He pulled on the reserve chute. Nothing happened.
He looked down at the ground which was approaching fast and said: "I bet that dang bus won't be there to pick me up either."
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away." The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down." The third lady chimed in, "Well, I'm glad I don't have those problems. Knock on wood." With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, "That must be the door. I'll get it."
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't f*ckin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.
My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied, “No.” She yelled back, "What about now?"
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by.
Then he spoke:
"Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.
"Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.
"Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.
"To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown."
The nurse was really impressed. She said, "Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you."
And the wife responded, "What property? ... the schmuck had a paper route! !"
The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice. "The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house," said the doctor.
"I tried that," said the farmer, "But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are."
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."
A first grade class comes in from recess.
Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?"
Alice says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says "that's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.
“How old are you?” a tenant asked.
“I’m 81 years old,” the son answered.
The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"
The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
The little old lady says "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my boobs a few times."
The new Archbishop was coming to meet the Preacher and his wife, so he wanted to serve something nice for dinner:
The preacher's wife went to town and saw a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
The wife walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher's wife bought some, took them home and proudly showed the dam fish to the Preacher.
The Preacher looked at her in bewilderment and said, "Preacher's wives aren't supposed to talk like that."
The wife explained why they were dam fish, and the Preacher agreed to help cook them.
After dinner was finished the Archbishop commented on how good the fish was and asked where they bought them. The Preacher said, "A boy was on the corner selling the dam fish, when his wife went to town and bought the dam fish. When she got home I helped her cook the dam fish."
After a brief moment of surprise, the Archbishop leaned back, put his feet up on the table and sighed, "You know . . . you f*ckers are alright!!!!"
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
Ben and Grace had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They found it beneficial to write things down so as not to forget them.
One evening they were sitting in the parlor and Grace said, "Ben, be a dear and go to the kitchen and fix me a dish of ice cream and put some chocolate syrup and peanuts on it. And, Ben, write it down so you don't forget the peanuts."
"That's a good idea, Dear." Ben said, and wrote it on the notepad and headed for the kitchen.
Ben was in the kitchen for a while, and returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. Grace looked at it and said, "Oh Ben, you forgot the breakfast toast."
She replied. "Probably that I married you for your money."
When everybody on earth passed on and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines:
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household!
You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this f*cking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR F*CKING BADGE!
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-
A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"
A Catholic priest was presenting a children's sermon. During the
sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the
same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can
also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the
resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........
The priest called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up me Irish Whiskey !' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
After viciously chewing out one of his cadets, the drill sergeant said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." "Not me, Sarge," the cadet replied. "No, sir. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I'd never stand in another line."
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
I hate that your mother doesn't like me," a girl told her boyfriend. "Don't take it personally," he assured her. "She's never liked anyone I've dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn't work out at all." "What happened>" the girl asked. He replied, "My father couldn't stand her."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! >> Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" >> "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
The husband has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of his clothes back.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone
A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning." I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.
My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate!" I said, "Just you wait." -- Judy Tenuta
We used to terrorize all our babysitters when we were little, except for my grandfather, because he used to read to us . . . From his will!
What's the difference between a dead snake lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dead snake.
How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the wrong-sized bulb and one to replace the burned-out socket.
Legendary comedian Bob Hope proved to be funny right up to the end. With not long to live, his wife, Delores, asked him where he would like to be buried. Bob said, "Surprise me."
Frank was a man who believed in the deeper meaning of numbers. He was born on May 5, 1955 and was the and was fifty-five years old. He had five children, and he lived at 555 East 55th Street. For the past five years he had earned $55,000 as and executive at Sak's Fifth Avenue. On his fifty-fifth birthday, Frank went to the track and was astonished to find that a horse named Numero Cinquo was running in the fifth race that afternoon. Five minutes before the race began, he went to the fifth window and put down five thousand dollars in five-dollar bills on Number Five. Sure enough, the horse finished fifth.
A tractor salesman is driving up to a farm when he is startled to see the farmer lifting a large pig up to the branch of an apple tree. As the salesman watches in amazement, the pig bites a large apple off the branch, whereupon the farmer gently puts the animal down and picks up another pig, who gobbles up his own apple. This goes on for quite a few pigs, until the salesman can no longer restrain himself. "Excuse me," he says to the farmer, "but wouldn't it be easier to pick all the apples yourself and let the pigs eat them off the ground?" "Might be," allows the farmer as he reaches for yet another pig. "But what's the advantage?" "For one thing," says the salesman, "it would save a lot of time." "Could be," says the farmer, "but what's time to a pig?"