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The mouths of Babes:
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."
A Few More Jokes:
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.
My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate!" I said, "Just you wait." -- Judy Tenuta
We used to terrorize all our babysitters when we were little, except for my grandfather, because he used to read to us . . . From his will!
What's the difference between a dead snake lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dead snake.
How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the wrong-sized bulb and one to replace the burned-out socket.
Legendary comedian Bob Hope proved to be funny right up to the end. With not long to live, his wife, Delores, asked him where he would like to be buried.
Bob said, "Surprise me."
Frank was a man who believed in the deeper meaning of numbers. He was born on May 5, 1955 and was the and was fifty-five years old. He had five children, and he lived at 555 East 55th Street. For the past five years he had earned $55,000 as and executive at Sak's Fifth Avenue.
On his fifty-fifth birthday, Frank went to the track and was astonished to find that a horse named Numero Cinquo was running in the fifth race that afternoon. Five minutes before the race began, he went to the fifth window and put down five thousand dollars in five-dollar bills on Number Five.
Sure enough, the horse finished fifth.
A tractor salesman is driving up to a farm when he is startled to see the farmer lifting a large pig up to the branch of an apple tree. As the salesman watches in amazement, the pig bites a large apple off the branch, whereupon the farmer gently puts the animal down and picks up another pig, who gobbles up his own apple. This goes on for quite a few pigs, until the salesman can no longer restrain himself.
"Excuse me," he says to the farmer, "but wouldn't it be easier to pick all the apples yourself and let the pigs eat them off the ground?"
"Might be," allows the farmer as he reaches for yet another pig. "But what's the advantage?" "For one thing," says the salesman, "it would save a lot of time."
"Could be," says the farmer, "but what's time to a pig?"
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